A Muggleborn Intervention
by Qilin
Summary: Hermione and Dean Thomas decide that Harry should be told why dating Ginny should be a NO. Oneshot, possible sequels.


**Disclaimer:** _This has probably been done to death, but hey, I don't own anything! **We're just taking them out to play for a bit, and we'll send them back when we're through. **Only half of us are **really** against the whole hp/gw thing, but this was a small plotbunny that wouldn't hop away. Idea came about from a How I Met Your Mother episode, I saw years ago._

.

.

.

**A Muggleborn Intervention**

By: _The Ladies Qilin and Zilant_

.

.

"Harry. We need to talk."

"Gee, Hermione, if you were my girlfriend, I'd think you were dumping me," Harry laughed as he looked up from the desk he was sitting at.

Hermione made a face reminiscent of their strict head of house. It was uncanny how good she'd gotten at mimicking Hogwarts professors over the years.

"I really need you to come with me, we have things I need to discuss with you."

Oh no. He hoped that it was something innocuous. The last time the Trio had gotten together to plot something, other that instigating the downfall of Voldemort, he'd ended up in Saint Mungo's with an extra head and scaly arms. Hopefully whatever she needed from him would not cause him to visit the infirmary or the hospital again.

"Uh – okay, just give me a sec'" Harry stated laying his quill down far enough away so that it wouldn't roll onto his parchment and ink it up. It wasn't like the Charms essay was going to be graded by Snape or anything, but he'd already wrote six feet of the stupid thing and didn't want any hang ups at this point. He didn't particularly care about the library table; like gum placed underneath the tables in public schools, these tables had marks left from decades ago. It was a conundrum shared by Magical and Muggle school children alike. Sharp object, plus bored child with drama filled life, plus public property equaled destruction in some form or another.

At a table nearest to the third book stack one could make out writing left by one Minnie McGonagall proclaiming love for –a name that appeared gouged out. Ew. He quickly stopped the direction his brain had been going with that, that way lay dragons he did _not _want to face.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Oh yeah, Hermione wanted something.

_Uh-oh, she's started tapping her toes this must be extremely Sirius. – Damn! Serious! He meant serious!_

"Ehem." Oh dear sweet Elphaba's Elbows she had Umbridge down now. Hermione had officially gotten scarier.

"Right Hermione, where'd you want to talk at?" Harry questioned straightening his eyeglasses with a finger.

"There's a mostly empty classroom down the corridor. Let's go."

He blinked, almost said something then decided not to go there. Hermione would probably set her infamous army of angry canaries on him if he didn't go.

"Mostly empty?" Harry whispered as they passed Madam Pince, as she denied yet another young wizard from checking out a human anatomy book on the pretense that they never get returned back to her. Or if they were returned...they came back and went straight into a highly concentrated scourgify potion.

Entering the classroom that Hermione pointed out, he was surprised to find it occupied by Dean Thomas. Dean was currently levitating a banner reading "INTERVENTION" in Hermione's neat script charmed large.

"So…what's up guys?" Harry questioned as Hermione and Dean seemed to communicate with gestures and eyes; if he didn't know better he would have assumed the two were using leglimens to communicate. That was certainly a chilling thought.

Finally Dean looked down, shoulders slumped and sighed deeply. When he looked up again, his eyes darted to Harry's.

Dean squared his shoulders and cleared his throat. "Harry. This is an intervention. You can't marry Ginny, it would be….weird."

"I _love_ her! I don't understand what you thought saying that would do!" Harry stated, angrily heading for the door, irritated at the nerve of his so called friends.

"No! Harry, come back, look!" Hermione said as she dashed forward, shoving a photograph in his hand.

Harry looked at the photograph; it showed a picture of Ginny and himself hugging with snow falling all around them. He looked at Hermione, who's brown eyes were fixed on his, obviously expecting something to have happened. He inwardly shook his head. The two of them were bonkers.

"I don't understand what a picture of Ginny and me has to do with any of this."

Hermione took a deep breath. "There's the problem Harry; that's not you and Ginny. That's your mum and dad."

_What. The. Hell._

Harry suddenly felt ill and peered closer at the photo that Hermione had charmed into looking new. And indeed it was; looking close enough he could barely see the eye color of man to be brown instead of green.

Harry gulped.

Finally looking at Hermione in the eyes he whispered, "So you think I am in love with my mum? Bollocks, I'm not – OH GOD, I'M IN LOVE WITH MY MUM!

Both Hermione and Dean watched the Boy-Who-Lived promptly go to pieces at the new piece of information he'd just absorbed. They looked at each other and nodded gravely. It had been hard, but it had been the right thing to do. It just needed to be done. It was painful, like regrowing bones with Skel Grow, but necessary all the same.

"OH SHIT! What the hell do I do now?" Harry slumped down to his knees hugging himself.

Dean's shoulders relaxed, surprised that Harry didn't put up more of a fight.

Hermione, leaned down and gingerly patted his shoulder and murmured sympathetically while Harry screamed something about gouging his eyes out if he had really wanted to be like Oedipus.

Hermione shook his shoulder. "Harry, Harry! You are nothing like Oedipus, you haven't brought a child into the world born of of such a union; you just happen to be dating the spitting image of your mother!"

If anything that sentence seemed make things worse. Harry grasped her sleeve, eyes wild. He was practically spitting.

"That's not helping Hermione! Not when I look like my father! Do you realize what people have said about us? THAT WE LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MY MUM AND DAD WHEN THEY WERE DATING! Why didn't they say they meant that with the full and complete meaning of those words without making them sound all lovey?"

Dean coughed and shuffled his feet and Harry's red eyed and slightly crazed expression swung from Hermione to him. "Hermione and I have the theory that Voldemort might have been trying to defeat the wizarding community over a long selected breeding course," Dean said carefully.

Oh God. Oh ew. _Please no._

"WHAT?"

"Harry, think about it this way, if the horcruxes hadn't been defeated he would have won, yes? Well if there was a chance he was going to lose, why not set up a contingency plan to thumb your nose at the ones who vanquished you?" Hermione hurried, seeing Harry's horrified expression.

Harry felt ill. If this was indeed true, he now had a new insight into the increasingly dark and disgusting mind of one Tom Marvolo Riddle.

"What Hermione is trying to say," Dean said, "is that the pureblood community cut themselves off from muggleborns and half bloods, interbreeding with only themselves..and this occurred even more when Riddle appeared on the scene."

"You've studied this a lot haven't you?" Harry said slowly, eyes darting from one to the other.

"Not necessarily. The new muggle studies professor is really big on Freud and some of the more popular muggle conspiracy theorists." Hermione said while easing Harry back to his feet.

"Oh." Harry was not entirely sure what to think of that.

"It's questionable isn't it? To learn that our lives will be governed by non-rational people who are totally okay with marring cousins and siblings without a care to their future progeny? I mean, _have you seen half of Sytherin House_? They either look like elves that could pose with unicorns, or they look so ugly calling them dogs is something they take as a compliment," Dean said, pacing the length of the classroom, while throwing his hands in the air.

Harry snorted. While his part in the supposed conspiracy was indeed nauseating, Crabbe and Goyles' uncanny potato likeness suddenly made a lot more sense, along with Bellatrix's lunacy. If Hermione and Dean were right, Deatheaters could now claim inbreeding for the reason they behaved the way they did along with _'Voldy made me do it!'_

Just as he was about to ask when they had come up with that horrifying insight into the dark side of the magic and why wasn't it posted all over the school, Ron burst in through the door face red and huffing and puffing like the Hogwarts Express.

"There you are mate! Ginny and I were worried; we thought one of Voldemort's left over mini-minions may have nabbed you!"

At the sound of his girlfriend-soon-to-be-ex's name Harry blanched. Deatheaters and politics had given him a blessed little reprieve from the sordid mess but now it all came surging back. Ginny...and his MUM. _Bleerrgh_. Dean and Hermione watched him in sympathy, while he tried to get control of his gag reflex.

"Why the bloody hell does it look like you want to vomit?" Ron asked in confusion looking about the room for spiders and Slytherins.

"I just found out internally that I might WANT TO BUGGER MY MUM!" Harry started hyperventilating, having finally said it out loud.

"That's what you're so upset about?" Ron distractedly stated.

Silence..Three pairs of eyed focused on him, three faces got paler and three stomachs suddenly felt the urge to projectile vomit.

"What?" Ron asked, unwrapping a candy bar.

"Ronald, you just stated in a way that you desire your mother." Hermione said slowly, in hopes that he would understand what the problem was.

"Meh, pro'bly do, just dating you right now."

Hermione's mouth moved but nothing came out. Her eyes were the size of Galleons. Her cheeks went from parchment white to Griffindor red.

"Dude. We're trying to show Harry that that's not something to aspire to. You're totally not helping by the way." Dean stated before Hermione could say anything.

He hurriedly tried to steamroll whatever she was going to say, as she looked close to erupting like Pompeii on Ron's clueless little soul.

They were only looking to break up one couple here, after all.

"So what 'chu you are saying is that it's wrong to –"

"Yes, Ronald, it's wrong. Wrong on so many levels."

"Whatever you say 'Mione, doesn't sound too bad to me; I think my parents were cousins though. Red hair, ya'know." Ron said gesturing to his flaming red locks with the candy bar. He succeeded in further creeping out his friends by absently scattering crumbs of chocolate nougat in his hair.

Dean swooped in for the kill. "Ron brings up a good point Harry; I bet you're even related to Ginny; in fact you might have been kis–"

"DEAN, ENOUGH! You've convinced me! I don't need to know whatever it was that you were planning to say! C'mon Ron, let's go find your sister." Harry shrieked before grabbing Ron by the hood of his robes and dragging him bodily from the room.

.

.

It was quiet for a moment.

"Well, Granger; seems we work pretty well together, no?"

"We're even now right? No one need ever hear about that portkey accident?

"We're square babe. Now I have a saddened young witch to charm back into my arms!" And with that, Dean ran to the door, flung it open, and dashed down in the direction of the candy crumb trail spotting the hallway.

.

.

_Four hours later..._

"I did like the fact that he faked his own death for a month; one would think he was trying to get away from this school. Maybe I should have done that instead of breaking up with her the way I did; it sounds like pulling a Snape would have been better for everyone. Including my robes. I _can't believe_ she did that to them!" Harry said attempting to wipe off some of the leftover muck and debris hanging on.

He felt like he was wearing a garbage dump.

He would most definitely be looting someone's wardrobe till he could order spares.

"Yes mate, well dumping her like that would kind of pissed off any girl, even I know that. Can you imagine how it would be if you and Ginny had a girl with red hair and green eyes? Snape might have killed himself for real by snake, you never know. Maybe the two of you should have stayed together and had a child anyway," Ron said as they entered the transfiguration classroom.

The majority of Gryffindor that found themselves retaking their seventh year for a new chance at NEWT grades mixed with the current seventh years of the house, glared – if they were female – as he entered the room. Damn, the break up must have spread faster than Umbridge running from centaurs - it had only been a few hours.

He hoped it was the smell that was setting them off.

Unsurprisingly Hermione was one of the few who seemed okay with the breakup. A few others looked at him in understanding; he assumed those students were the year behind his' muggleborns.

The Seventh year NEWT class for Transfiguration was split by house because of the high numbers of repeaters.

Harry moved the conversation back to just pure Snape.

Snape was a safe subject, as long as he wasn't in flight nearby.

"I suppose that wouldn't be good for the school. I can't believe he was able to fake us out that easily though and I can't believe I didn't even think about him having anti-venom. He was a spy too and spies are paranoid, I rather underestimated him a lot; I suppose I was blinded by hate," Harry stated once again trying to turn the direction of the conversation towards something that Ron was sure to take offense in, thus keeping the subject of his ex to a minimum.

Harry and Ron made their way to the desks that Hermione had claimed for them, ignoring the field of death glares they had to wade through. It really was unsettling how many people were avidly okay with the idea of inbreeding, or seriously hated him before behaving like everyone else. Harry wished the people around him would realize that it was his first break up, and while what happened was a train wreck, it was not how it planned it to go. But then again, Hogwarts' student body had never been one for common sense. He remembered back to the Tri Wizard tournament and Rita Skeeter's many insulting articles and then looked around at the students again.

Yep, not a free thinker in the bunch.

"Wow Harry, sounds like you've grown up a bit. To bad you didn't have that maturity before you dumped Ginny and proceeded to–" Hermione suddenly spoke up looking at him with steely brown eyes.

_Oops, I guess she's also a bit more peeved than I thought._

"HERMIONE! I still think he's the biggest git to ever walk the planet but I'm quite happy I decided to pass on seventh year potions thank you very much and while we both died for the cause, but that doesn't make us friends. " Harry snapped.

"What? No we were talking about you dumping Ginny, not about Snape." She spoke in confusion, wondering where his mind had been. How did they get from Ginny to Snape?

"Well, just so you know, SNAPE and I have an understanding. You don't need to question everything, Hermione!" Harry griped, sitting in his seat and dragging out his quill and parchment.

She opened her mouth to retort, paused looked at him and snorted, thinking better of what she was going to say. It wouldn't do to start a fight right before they took their NEWTS. It might affect their test scores after all. She looked at the back of Harry's scruffy head. She'd get him later for that.

Hermione whipped out her wand and attempted some cleaning charms, until she was satisfied that most of the odor had gone. It really would be a shame to ruin their NEWT classes.

.

.

Harry found himself avoiding the Gryffindor common room for the rest of the week to give Ginny time to cool down. He was thankful to Dean for being willing to be the rebound wizard. It put less pressure on him. Avoiding Ginny was easily done; he knew when she had potions, it was the only reason for her to willingly descend into the dungeons.

As thankful as Harry was though, now he was greeted with the image of his mum shacking up with his dorm mate. He hoped it would fade in time. Really, really hoped it would fade.

Harry found himself chilling out here quite often now, contrary to what Ron had said a week earlier, the Slytherins for the most part gave him a wide berth.

"Potter! I see you are lounging about bothering my students. What? Have you finally figured out you had been dating the _only_ carbon copy of your mother in the whole school?" A large giant black bat, no, wait, newly materialized potions professor questioned in the usual Potter hating tone.

"What the FU– why didn't anyone tell me earlier about this!" Even Snape knew! He still felt cheezed off about it only being pointed out AFTER they had decided to have a serious relationship.

"Careful Potter, you are treading on _dreadfully_ thin ice. When was anyone supposed to tell you this? While the Dark Lord was still around? When you were hunting horcruxes? Now get out of my dungeon."

Obviously Captain Snivelly wasn't going to be any help. He might of known. Harry turned toward the staircases figuring that he could go blow out steam in the room of requirement.

"Oh, and Potter?" That familiar oily voice spoke from behind him, "That's 20 points from Gryffindor and a week's detention for language."

Harry swore, turned to the side and kicked the stone wall.

"Detract another thirty for vandalizing the castle," Snape drawled.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**The End**


End file.
